a Q is not an A

So what do I do now?

Graduating from college has left me an emotional mess.  One minute I’m happy, the next I’m sad, the next I’m happy and sad simultaneously. I’m proud, I’m excited, I’m nervous, I’m scared, I’m ecstatic, I’m happy to not have to write a research paper in the foreseeable future, I’m relieved, I’m relaxed, I’m angry, I’m lost, I’m looking forward to the future, I’m giddy, I’m feeling 8 billion emotions at once.

But mostly, I just feel like I’m missing this place.  These people.  This thing that was a part of me for four years, that was my home when my real home fell to peices. It’s one of those things that you are never going to get back completely, and honestly….I wasn’t ready for it to end.  

Ironically, I’m having a really hard time figuring out the structure of my paper on the end of structuralism.

I totally always come back to tumblr when I should be writing papers in the library.  Although technically I am not writing a paper tonight, just doing research for a paper I’m going to start tomorrow.  A paper that I’m pretty sure is going to kick my ass, because I’m still not really sure what it’s about.  Vaguely:  Structuralism, the end of man, Derrida, Tati, the rupture between structure and event, the beginnings of post-structuralism (maybe ?), and I don’t know what else.  I think I need a thesis.  Yes, that would be good.  The problem is, I keep just saying “oh yes, I need to research this further” and then I never do. 

Bleh.  On another (more positive) note, my dad finally got a job!  Only 9 months later than expected, and less money than he was hoping, but hey, it’s better than nothing.  Now I just need to get myself one of these job things….But that can be a concern for after graduation I think.  Sometimes my lack of worry worries me.

I was sitting in 7th Street Cafe this morning, reading for my Loss of Traditional Faith class later in the day, sipping my Chai Tea Latte, listening to Maritime on my iPod (how’s that for setting the scene?), when a flyer was placed in front of me.

Human Rights Awareness Tour, it read. Lots of bright colors, a schedule of events for the coming week.

My immediate response (thought, not spoken):

What is this nonsense? Universal human rights? Those simply do not exist!

I think my university education has affected my ability to live in this world. Or is that the point?

So I’m checking the headlines at CNN.com in an effort to further procrastinate writing my Loss of Tradition Faith paper. And I can’t help but think….there must be a writer for one of the 8 billion Law and Order shows out there doing the same thing. Except where I go “Oh how sad, a dad killed his three kids in a hotel room while in a custody dispute with his wife”, the writer is thinking “Hmmm…this could make a great episode”.

Why?????  Why would you want it? It makes my papers look ugly! 

Also, who decided double spacing was ideal?  1.5 is so much prettier, and there’s still room to write comment! 

I feel like living in a fairy-tale today. 

Instead I will go to a three hour class and discuss Piaget and Kohlberg’s ideas on the stages of moral development.  

Sometimes life isn’t fair.  Oh wait, I think Piaget has something to say about that….fuck.